pdvang

I can’t believe everything. After all I try and did it’s still all my fault. I guess it’s better to leave it alone now huh? But why can’t I? Why does it seem like every time I want to forget about it I try even harder. I think I’m going crazy; I’ve notice something a little weird about myself. I’ve changed completely and I’m scare. I’m scare I’ll turn into something or someone I won’t like. Someone I don’t know about and something scary. Something that might take the most precious things out of my life. Am I going crazy? I don’t know, all I ever wanted was for him to love me back, that’s all I’m asking for. If I’m willing to accept him for the way he live his life why can’t he be able to accept mine? Why does it have to be so freaking hard just to be with someone you love dearly? I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so lonely, so devastated, so disappointed. I let so many people go and I let so many people down, I should be put to sleep or something, I wish my parents would do that to me since I’ve been bad, but as much as I wish it won’t come true. I should have wish upon that shooting star I saw the other night, maybe things would have turned out differently. But being the silly me I don’t believe in shooting stars, it has always made the things I love disappear, reminisce about when my brother past away, that was the first person I love so much that left me after I made a wish. But shouldn’t it be fair just once if I just make that wish and have it be true? I’d be so happy. Happy to have him back in my life. I’m so torn, so incomplete, I shouldn’t do this to myself, but I can’t help myself anymore. It’s like; I can’t control my heart to not love him. I can’t do anything anymore after all the times I spent with him, all the things I did, all the trouble I went through, and all the people I lost. He’s been like a big part of me ever since I’ve known him, I’ve been putting myself up with his attitude for so long that it doesn’t even matter anymore, and now it’s over just like that because he said it. What can I do? I’m just the girl in this relationship that died a long time ago; I’m just the person who has bad lucks, who would curse at anyone at any time. Even my best friend said I killed him a long time ago too. Now what? I lost my best friend; I lost the love of my life, the one I think about everyday, the one I wait for every night, the one I miss every second. Now I finally understand that when someone leaves you, you realize you love that person most, and your tears will fall out of the blue. I’m so done. Please leave me alone for the meantime. I would like to find myself and put it back into place, by myself. I can’t stand seeing people pity me; I don’t need anyone’s help. My heart felt so light, like there’s a huge piece of e missing, a big one. It feels so empty, this feels like the first time I have to say goodbye to someone I love most, it feels like my brother’s death replaying all over again. Why don’t people ever take the time to take you for who you are? Why do people always assume you’ll be fine after they leave? Why does it always have to be the weaker person in the relationship that ends up hurt? He asked me a question that I can never answer. I thought about it all night long. Why can’t you just be my friend? I can never answer that question. After all the things he said, I was crazy enough to say I still want to be with him. I’m so selfish, I’m so stupid, I’m so stubborn, why can’t I just accept the fact that it’s been over for him ever since September? Is it so hard just to want to be with someone? He said I’m going to hell for being so evil to him, for wanting to be with him, I already know that, I’m not looking forward to going to heaven. I don’t deserve to be there, for I’ve done so many bad things, I’ve disappointed so many souls, and I’ve hated so many people. I rather go to hell then having these mess up feelings, the feeling of losing someone I love so much. I think I’m writing way too much, I feel my fingers getting weak and my head getting lighter, I think I’m sick but I’m not sure. I think I’m sad but I don’t know, I think I need a miracle but I don’t want it. I think I need help, but I won’t accept it. For once in my life, I don’t know where to go, who to turn to, what to do, and who I am. I’m so lost, so confuse, and so… so alone. He was just caught up in the moment. Goodbye.